MaxBlog

I came out to my car Saturday morning and found a ticket on my windshield.  I was pretty “ticked” off to use acceptable blog language.  The city had warned me that if it snowed more than 2” all cars needed to be off the road so the snowploughs can do their job.  Fair enough.  The problem was it called for rain and a balmy 5 degree Celsius temperature.  Hardly winter weather.  “Not a problem,” I told myself.  Ill just go to city hall Monday and explain that they have an over zealous by-law officer handing out tickets like confetti at a wedding.   Besides, I had a seminar to do that morning and it was time to put on my game face and practice what I preached. 

 

Unfortunately, it wasn’t that easy to put the matter out of my mind.  I knew I couldn’t do anything until Monday, so why waste time and energy thinking about this injustice.  I kept throwing it out of my consciousness and it kept creeping back in.  It was like wrestling a 200 lb gorilla.   Eventually, I was able to replace the “ticket incident” with more positive and useful thinking, but it surprised me how much a part of me wanted to hold on to this.  Ego?   Pride?  Who knows?  Regardless of why I kept replaying the incident, it did go away with some effort.  Not right away, but it eventually evaporated and allowed me to put my time and energy towards more useful activities. 

 

All too often people don’t change mental directions when faced with similar situations.  Sometimes we need to force ourselves out of these harmful meditative states.   Eliminating these thought patterns as soon as you are conscious of them will give you more time for more productive thinking as well as protect against torpedoing your mood for the rest of the day.  You’ll be happier and the people around you will be happier.  I went to city hall the following Monday and showed them the errors of their ways.  I saved myself $50 that day, but more importantly I saved myself a perfectly good weekend. 

In February 2003, a group of tourists excitedly waited to embark on a hot air ballon trip over the beautiful Californian wine country. One tourist decided to help out the ballon crew by holding unto the basket as they were about to light the ballon's propane burner. As soon as the burner was lit, the ballon un-expectantly soared high into the air carrying the helpful tourist with it. In seconds the ballon went upwards, 10…100…and finally to 300 feet in the air before the tourist could no longer hold on and fell to his death in front of 30 other people.

As tragic as this story is, it is not the first time this has happened. In fact ballon crews are trained never to let both feet leave the ground.

This rule is not limited to the world of ballooning. We see this analogy in many other areas of life. The entrepreneur who finds himself deeper and deeper in debt and feels that sales will soon pick up and he'll be out of the red. The gambler who is in the hole and thinks his only chance is to continue betting in order to get that big win. The person who is married to an abusive partner and tells herself that her partner will change his ways.

As human beings, I think we all need a level of optimism. Lord knows I live on it. But we need optimism that is balanced with reality. How the situation really is…one foot on the ground. Our ideas, aspirations, and thoughts should be looked at in an objective manner, or better yet, seek input from someone who will. The old rule, safety in numbers is good to remember here as we may unconsciously seek out the opinions of those who we feel will support our ideas or stroke our egos. Look for several trusted sources to review your plans and ideas with. The more objective the individual the better.

There is always a certain amount of risk in any new venture, relationship, or path in life, but limiting your risk and knowing when it's time to cut your losses (or maybe not to start at all) is invaluable information. We need to be willing to take at least one foot off the ground if we want to grow and improve our environment, but having a clear cut off point or a turn around time is essential.

Once you get more information, experience, and stability in your new endeavour, then you can swing that foot on the ground into the basket and enjoy the ride.

 

The one constant in our lives is the presence of people.  They're everywhere.  Like them or hate them, you need to interact with them to survive, let alone get ahead in life.  Some of us have almost perfected the art of communicating with people while others struggle in this area and view most human interaction with great anxiety.   Communicating with people is a learned skill much like any other.   And like the other skills we have learned, the more we practice the better we are.  I have assembled five quick and easy points for the beginners to focus on and the pros to master.

 

1.         LOOK AT PEOPLE IN THE EYE

When we look people in the eye when we’re talking with them they feel connected and that you’re interested in them (Remember to blink occasionally or it's disturbing and people think you are an alien).  Look away occasionally, but always show people the courtesy of eye contact

2.         USE PEOPLE’S NAME

People love to hear their name.  Always use people’s names at least once or twice in a conversation.  Especially if you just met them, because it shows you were listening when introduced and you’re more likely to remember their name later.   I always call people by their name when they have a name tag on at a restaurant or store.  It sometimes surprises them because most people don’t do that and it makes our interaction more personable.

3.         ASK QUESTIONS AND LISTEN

People love to talk about themselves.  When you ask open ended questions to people, it gives them an opportunity to say what is one their mind.  Don’t ask embarrassing or personal questions like "how long have you had that rash?”  But ask questions that are going to get them to open up.  Second half of this point is to listen.   All too often, people are not listening, but merely waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can jump in and talk about themselves.  If you show genuine interest in somebody and what they are all about they will do the same for you and you’ll get your chance.  It’s incredible how interesting of a person you become when you ask people to talk about themselves.

4.         DON’T SLOUCH - HAVE GOOD POSTURE

When your shoulders, head, and eyes are down it give’s people the impression that you’re down.  It’s a defeated pose.  Body language communicates  approximately 93% (statistics vary depending on where you look) of what we tell people.  So it’s a major communication tool and we need to be conscious of what messages we’re sending people.   

5.         DON’T MUMBLE – PRACTICE  RAISING VOLUME AND ARTICULATING YOUR SPEECH

Like defeated body posture, language that is too soft or unclear tells people that what you have to say isn’t important.  Practice speaking at a medium volume and speed to increase the probability of people listening to what you have to say.

 

You will probably have another conversation within the next 60 minutes which will give you an opportunity to practice these points.   The more we can integrate these habits into our human interactions, the more rewarding our interactions become.   To ourselves as well as the person we are talking with.

 

 Have you ever heard an athlete say that they were “in the groove”?  That their mind was so clear that everything seemed to “flow”?   Whether an athlete, artist, or banker, we can all experience that “flow.   And much like a running water tap, when the pipes become clogged with obstructions our flow is disrupted and the flow dwindles to a trickle.  Where do the obstructions come from?   We put them there.  I believe most of our obstructions come from three major areas; stress, anger, and fear.  To ensure success and flow in our personal and professional lives, we need to ask ourselves some hard questions because it is only us who can bore through our system to remove any obstructions holding us back. 

 

Stress and tension - Ask yourself what issues or people in your life are a source of stress for you?  I’m deliberately using the word “source” as opposed to “cause” because we need to understand that it is us who determines the meaning we assign to a situations or event.   When we say we are stressed “because” of this person or situation we remove a certain amount of ownership from how we are feeling.   Who or what is a source of stress in your life today and what are three things that you can do to alleviate the stress and tension you’re currently feeling?

 

Anger (and its cousins un-forgiveness, resentment, jealousy, and depression when turned inward) - Anger is another emotion that blocks our pipes and interrupts our flow.  Where is your anger directed and how much energy and time is it taking away from your life?   Does the focus of your anger even know (or care) that this is causing you so much disruption in your life.   Why is it important to hold onto this anger and what would happen if you simply stopped caring about the situation or person? 

 

Fear – Fear of the unknown and self doubt will also trip us up and take away the flow from our lives.  What are the fears holding you back in your current situation?  Often the antidote for this obstruction is simply facing your fear head on.  There is nothing external that will take away this fear.   It will not change over time nor will you receive new information that will assist in taking away your fear.   The only way to alleviate this is to decide when you will face your fear and drive through it.

 

When we have honestly looked at our lives and asked these straightforward questions, flow returns to us.   Cleaning out the pipes and the obstructions with it, enables us to get our flow and become a more effective person with greater focus.  So take the time to ensure you are in a position to get flow back into your life.  Ask the questions that need to be asked.  Remove the debris that needs to be removed.  

Christmas time seems to be when most of us are ok with loosening our wallets and hearts. We rationalize that it’s ok to give something to that guy with the card board sign asking for change. Maybe he really is going to spend it on food. We all have our views on why and who we give our hard earned money to. Someone once told me that they don’t like to give money to people on the streets because they might use it for drugs or alcohol. He claims that he instead takes them to a restaurant and buys them a bowl of soup. Great idea…my sceptical nature wonders how often he actually brought someone to a restaurant. All the time…once a year…once…ever?

Interestingly enough, the true benefit of giving falls on the giver and not so much on the givee. When a person gives they feel good about themselves. I think most of us want to help. But here is the secret, don’t tell anyone you gave. When you do an act of kindness and keep it to yourself, it shows that you weren’t looking for an external return in praise from others. You gave to someone out of pure kindness without the connotations of positive feedback and accolades from others. Your mind registers this and tells your conscious and unconscious mind that you are a “genuine good person.” All other incentives have been removed. It’s you being you.

So whether it’s giving money, a coffee...or even soup, don’t waste an opportunity by telling people about your generosity afterwards. You both get something you need. You’ll feel better about yourself and they’ll feel better…however that happens.

A couple months ago I purchased a set of electronic drums.  I had been a drummer in years gone by, but had to sell my drums because they were too loud and we had a baby on the way (…a baby that turned out to be much louder than my drums).   The great thing about electronic drums is that you can wear head phones when playing allowing you the ability to play any time of day or night without bothering people.  I soon found myself practising daily and have since turned into a pretty good drummer.   I was curious to why it seemed I was able to make such a significant improvement in my skills in such a short time on the electronic drums?  When I was younger, my playing never seemed to get better after the first year or two.

 

Thinking back to when I was playing my acoustic drums, I realized that I was very conscious of how loud they were.  I practiced with the knowledge that every beat was being broadcast through out the neighbourhood.   When I played poorly or made a mistake I was convince everyone in listening distance was evaluating and judging my performance.   Maybe even having mini meetings among themselves to discuss how bad of a drummer I was.  This motivated me to play only what I was good at and avoid anything that might be too tricky.  No mistakes.  No opportunity for the neighbours to breakout into mini meetings regarding my skills.  

 

A few things have changed since that time.  I’m a more confident individual, I understand that people aren’t thinking about me as much as I thought they were, and my drum playing is now safe and soundless in my private headphone world.   Consciously or unconsciously, I have taken the breaks off my playing and am trying new things and experimenting with new beats.   I have given myself permission to make mistakes all day long and no one knows except me.   The beats eventually get better and tighter over time.

 

Why is this important?  We often let the fear of making a mistake hold us back from making enormous gains in life.   When we lose the fear of making mistakes, we tend to be more relaxed, creative, adventures, and often experience our biggest growth.  Certainly there are areas in our lives that if we knew we could not fail we could make monumental changes.   We could overcome the major hurdles and issues in our life that have been holding us back.   A new freedom is acquired when energy is spent on trying new things and making improvements in your life instead of worrying about the opinions of others.   Give yourself a since of freedom allow yourself to make mistakes.   Lots of mistakes.

 

 

 

The other day I was driving home and decided to take a different route then I normally do. I found myself driving through one of the most beautiful neighborhoods I have ever seen. The lawns were manicured to perfection. The houses had exquisite design detail and some even had a gate and intercom system (well la-de-da!). I found a great looking park with a playground my kids would love. There were trail heads leading into interesting looking woods and a fantastic looking golf course which I looked forward to playing on. My decision to take an alternative route, to try something different, had resulted in a new awareness of what was available to me. Something that may not have been revealed to me otherwise.

Often we find ourselves staying on the beaten path because it is something we know. We find comfort in the familiar. Sometimes at the expense of enjoying new experiences….and places. When we stay too close to what we know, we never know any more. Luckily, I learned to be a curious person from my mother and have grown immensely as a person because of it. Trying new sports, activities, and even foods, have expanded my horizons and added countless dimensions to my life. Losing the fear of the new and unexplored has opened so many doors and opportunities that I shudder at the thought of how my life would have turned out had I not done so.

My suggestion to those reading this is to expand your horizons and move out of your comfort zone from time to time. You didn’t know you liked pizza until you tied it. What else is out there that could be an all consuming passion in your life if you just make the decision to explore? Is it learning how to play a musical instrument? Is it taking that improve class? Maybe just signing up for that running group that meets 3 times a week. Who knows the experiences, changes, and people that it may bring into your life. You may be missing all sorts of incredible experiences. In fact, my 88 year old mother just recently discovered the joys of naked sky diving and loves it. I’m kidding…….she’s only 86.